Today, I’m writing from that place. The house is quiet. For the first time in almost a week, I have very little that I need to pay attention to. I’m allowed to write. I’m allowed to breathe. I’m allowed to sit in silence and just be.
I love the holidays, because they are gifty and cheerful. I hate the holidays because they wear me down to a bloody nub. As it is – my first weekend without social engagements, without the 10 year old on Saturday night, without ANYTHING will be January 19th. I won’t get a yoga-pants-loafing-do-nothing-but-read weekend for almost another month.
Usually, if there’s an end in sight, I can power through. I can grit my teeth and bear it. But there is no end. There is no reprieve. I have my evenings when Brett goes to work, but no weekends. No days off. No time to just be.
It’s really hard for me to not swear like a sailor in this post. In fact, the only reason I’m not swearing is because I can edit this thing before it goes live.
So, what is going on inside my head, beyond the mild panic that I won’t have the time to counteract these horrible feelings?
- Social media is “shouting” at me. I feel like every post is a cry for attention I don’t want to give. Every status, every tag, every tweet.
- The dog is needy. (OK, so the dog is usually pretty needy, but he’s EXTRA needy when I just want to be left alone).
- I don’t want to be touched. I shrug off touch of any kind. I need about 3 extra feet of personal space.
- I am sensitive to every single noise in my vicinity.
- I flip out when I’m trying to concentrate and I get interrupted.
- If I were to see a television or hear something electronic talking “at” me, it would make me want to scream. Usually, I swallow that feeling and just click “off” or “mute”.
- I really, really, really don’t care about anyone else right now.
That last one is the clincher. I don’t care if I hurt anyone else’s feelings (I usually would). I don’t care if I make someone else hurt or angry. I just plain don’t care. Right now, my brain is in a state of stress overload. This is a crisis. The emergency sirens are blaring and the lights are flashing. Evacuate! Evacuate!
You don’t want to be around me right now, trust me.